Thursday, May 22, 2014

Anxiety is a Real Bitch

You are being forewarned.  If the thought of blood grosses you out, the thought of a menstrual cycle grosses you out, or you are too immature to understand/respect feminine issues, this post is not for you.  Yesterday I got put through the wringer.  In retrospect, it's easy to see that I maybe did overreact a little bit.  But hindsight is always 20/20, and you know what, all my worry is totally justified, but the overwhelming thoughts of impending doom are where things get a little foggy.  As I have told you before, this whole weight loss kick got started because I had been on my period for a staggering THREE MONTHS straight.  Yes, you read that right.  The moodiness I experienced was in constant transformation.  Moody about pain, moody about how f**king tedious it is to make sure you have tampons at all times, moody about how icky I felt, and most importantly, moody about, ahem, my sexual activity (or lack there of).  I know, I know, too much information, but you know what, you try bleeding for 3 months straight and see where your social filters end up.

Anyways, I finally decided to go to the doctor because obviously losing that much blood isn't healthy, and after what seemed like an insane amount of testing, doctor's appointments, and referrals, they were all finally reaching the conclusion that I just needed to lose weight.  Well, shit!  That was far better than what I expected, and totally achievable.  All that worry for nothing.  So one thing led to another and here I am!  6.2 pounds down in 7 days, not too shabby if I do say so myself.

My OB/GYN and I decided to put Mirena in, which is an IUD, or for you men out there who have no idea what either of those things are, birth control, so it would help to control the abnormal bleeding.  It would remain in place for 5 years, which pretty much coincides with my life plan for having children (lofty goals, I'm aware).  The appointment was scheduled for Monday, as was briefly touched on in a previous post where I "cheated" and saw my weight loss.  The issue arose when the doctor decided not to put Mirena in, but rather, do an Endometrial Biopsy, which checks for Uterine Cancer.  Umm, okay?  It wasn't that she had decided to do the biopsy, I'm all for ruling everything out, but why the HELL would she wait until 2 months after my first visit?  At this point I've been bleeding pretty consistently for 5 months, ALL of 2014.  I was infuriated, to say the very least.  She pointed to the risk factor (being heavy) with which she was making that choice, but it didn't make sense to me.  It's not like I ballooned up suddenly.  My weight was present two months ago, so why now, why all of a sudden is she worried?  I had to bleed for two more entire months, while she fiddled her thumbs.  Awesome.  Truly.

She had informed me that the results would typically take about two weeks to receive, and based on what they saw, we could either go forward with Mirena, or not.  Easy enough?  Wrong.  Here is where my Worry filled Wednesday begins.  Two days after I do the biopsy (yesterday), the doctor's receptionist calls, and in the most dismally worried tone I have ever heard, requests for an immediate follow up.  Well that got my heart pumping a little bit.  So I in turn asked her if the biopsy results were already back, which she confirmed in another, utterly pained voice.  Her tone of voice sent me right over the deep end.  I asked if the results were bad, but she refused/declined to provide me any information, or clue.


That was me.  Out in the parking lot at my job.  So I panic, called my Mom, called my sister, called my boyfriend, nobody answered.  Of course.  So my anxiety and stress filled mind went to work.  Let me just give you a play by play of my thought process, so you can see why sometimes I even question my own sanity.

"I have cancer.  Does that mean I have to do chemo?  What if they have to remove my uterus?  Can you have a baby with out a uterus?  That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever thought.  I'd better research this.  Hysterectomy?  No chance of having kids.  Should I get my eggs cryo-freezed?  What if it's too far along to help?  This is bullshit!  My Dad passed away a year ago, I shouldn't have to deal with this right now!!  If I cant have my own child, I totally support surrogacy.  But what if the surrogate Mom of my child falls in love with it and kidnaps it like one of those Lifetime movies?  What about adoption?  I support it, but I've always wanted to see what MY genes can create.  A little ball of awesome, that's what.  SHIT!  Seriously, what if I cant have kids now?  What if I die?  I want to know what it's like to be pregnant!!!  My sister is going to have to have my children.  This is NOT fair."

Put that on repeat, and that was my afternoon yesterday.  It was scary, and angering, that this test was postponed for so long.  The follow up appointment was scheduled for this morning.  So I sat and stewed about it for the rest of day, and had pretty much written myself, and my future off.  After all this work to get myself headed in a healthy direction, something like this happens.  Everyone I had told was telling me not to borrow trouble, to think positive, but to me it was insensitive to say all that generic stuff.  Just be worried with me!  How can you not be?!

I left work, and had a voicemail from the doctor's office.  It was a medical assistant informing me that they would be putting Mirena in after the follow up to the results.  Relief.


The results?  Well, they are bad and good.  It isn't cancer (phew), but they did find some abnormal gland formations and evidence of endometrial polyps.  I'm going to try to treat it with medicine, aka birth control, and then if that doesn't work, off to surgery I go.  Nothing too serious, just Dilation and Curettage.

The final verdict eased my mind, but it really highlights how fragile life is.  This is why I want to get healthy, so when things like this come up, I know it isn't something that I have done to myself.  All the hard work is paying off too, because when I went to the appointment today, they weighed me, and I've lost ANOTHER pound!!!!  The total is 7.2 lbs now, and counting.  Sorry to derail you all from my weight loss, but as with most people, that is just one small aspect of my life.  All this other stuff doesn't go away, just because I've chosen to lose weight.  I just have to take it one day at a time and try to keep a smile on my face.  So far, so good.

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