Some Introspection

There are so many things I miss about being smaller.  I kind of touched on a few of these points on my earlier posts "As a Fat Girl" and "How It All Began", but like I said in that post, the limitations I have faced because I am overweight/obese, could write an endless list.  I'm not sure if anyone can really relate to each and every single one, but if any of these problems are something you have thought of, just know you aren't alone.  While vanity plays a small role in my road to being thin again, the two biggest reasons for me losing weight right now is my health, and gaining the ability to do/enjoy the simplest things in life.  So, without further ado, my daily trials and tribulations caused directly by my spare tire (and extra padding everywhere else), enjoy.

1. Crossing My Legs:  Most people take this for granted, even I did when I was smaller.  Right now, in my attempts to be classy,  my only option, physically, is to sit with my legs pressed together, while the forces of the universe do everything in their power to pull them apart.  Sometimes just sitting like that for a decent chunk of time will have my hips and outer thighs burning.  I suppose I could let my knees fall out to the side, but then I risk looking like a man-woman in a gyno office.  I'll pass.  Soon enough, I'll be able to cross my legs again, soon enough.  After all, I miss those red spots on the back of my calf after sitting like that for a period of time.  I MISS THEM!  How crazy is that? 


2. Shaving My Legs:  Accurately, that is.  I can still shave right now, and could at my heaviest, but I couldn't guarantee a thorough job.  I feel like a contortionist when I shave right now.  I cant just sit and shave without moving much because I cant reach the back of my leg without moving.  It's pretty pathetic, and may be the reason why if you looked under my pants right now, you would think I'm french, or a hippi; a la Bigfoot if you catch my drift.


3. Shopping for Clothes:  Need I say more?  This is probably the most painfully difficult thing about being heavier.  I try to look nice and buy nice clothes, but even shopping at plus size stores, I never really feel 100% awesome, in anything I wear.  If you get one size, the thighs are too big, so if you go smaller, the waist is too small.  The trade-offs make shopping a totally miserable experience.  You don't want to look like you are imitating MC Hammer, but you also don't want a muffin top, so what do you do?!  And don't even get me started on bathing suit shopping.  I'm sure there are those of you out there than can appreciate a good "dressing room cry".  Suddenly you realize that there is no magic bathing suit that will shoo all your worries away.  You just have to accept the fact that you wont look sexy in a bathing suit, and find the best of the worst.  
   
   Plus, I couldn't even tell you what my "style" is, because it was chosen for me.  I love Torrid, but do I really?  I mean, if I was never plus sized, would my style be Torrid-esque anyways?  I'm not sure, because I've been shopping there for a while now, and of the extremely limited plus-size options, they are the cutest, and most stylish in my opinion. 


4. Insecurity:  While I realize people of all shapes and sizes have insecurities, and I will too even once I've lost all the weight, but being physically large makes you so much more obvious to others.  And because of that, I feel like people stare more, and judge silently.  I wish I could go around with a sign that said, "I know some of this is my fault, but do you know what I've been through?  No, you don't, so quit judging me".  Because of this I'm ultra sensitive and actively try not to judge others, because you just don't know why they are the way they are.  I'm even insecure with my boyfriend----of three years.  It may be a reaction that has developed over time, but if he even tries to touch my stomach, I flinch in terror.  I even dove into a pile of clothes to avoid it once.  It's pretty ridiculous, because he's surely seen every inch of me, but I cant get over feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and that makes me sad.


5. Physical Capabilities (or lack there of):  I truly miss being an athlete.  I was agile, quick, and never shy to try something new that would test my endurance or strength.  I could count on my body to do certain things, and I never felt embarrassed to do them.  But then blubber happened.  I know that I cant do certain things now, and it's actually kind of terrifying.  What if I needed to run from something or someone?  I could surely move myself along for a while, fueled by adrenaline, but it wouldn't be quickly, and would definitely not be sustainable.  That's scary!  I've had dreams of myself running from a tidal wave with my boyfriend, and forcing him to abandon me knowing I would never be able to make it.  I really want to do walks for charity, or color runs, or obstacle courses, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last.  I know I should be my own cheer leader and at least try, but the humiliation factor is really what is stopping me.  There we go again with the insecurities.

So that is my very quick list.  Other than for the sake of health, these are the reasons I want to lose weight.  I know some of them will be life-long challenges, but I know that I am growing as a person with each pound that is lost.  I will look back on these moments and truly appreciate how hard I fought against reverting to my old habits, to prevent these five issues from ever reoccurring.

BY THE WAY!  I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, life has been extraordinarily hectic.  I've lost an even 27 pounds in 6 weeks, and loving every second of it.  Until next time :)