Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Well, my first month on the diet is complete.  It was a success in every sense of the word.  I lost a total of 19.2 pounds in 28 days, which is awesome, but the competitive/OCD side of me was hoping for an even 20.   Let's chalk it up to water weight ;)  All in all, I know my first month there is really little to be negative about, in regards to the weight loss, but it seems like everything else was a huge nightmare.  Then again, the whole last year was a huge nightmare.

I'm really missing my Dad.  Each time I succeed, or have troubles, or need advice, my very first thought is to call him.  He was a pillar of support in all aspects of my life, and sadly, I didn't know how truly important he was to each nook and cranny of all that is Courtney, until he was gone.  It makes each accomplishment a little less sweet.  Everybody always tells me the generic, "Well you know he's looking down on you, and can see your every success."  I know they mean well, but to be honest with you, it's all a load of bullshit.  It may be true, he could be sitting right next to me as I type my less than inspiring blog post now.  And it's really easy to give that advice, because it acknowledges my wishes of him seeing me thrive, while respecting his passing and my feelings surrounding it by not delving too deep into spiritual and religious banter.  But, I just want to scream at people and say, "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"  It just isn't the same.  There was something about his voice and physical presence, that cant be replicated or soothed by an out of body presence.

Sometimes I feel all alone, even with the huge support system that surrounds me.  Because while everyone is grieving who knew my Dad, nobody had the relationship that was unique to US.  Of course they were all close to him in their own way, but at least I acknowledge that I will never know what losing him means to them.  I'd appreciate if the reverse was reciprocated.

Anyways, you may or may not understand how this impacts my dieting, and mission in losing weight, so let me clarify.  My Dad's passing was truly the greatest tragedy I have experienced in life thus far.  I probably put on 30-40 pounds in a year, and am more depressed than I have ever been in my life.  I still cant come to terms with the thought of spending the rest of my natural life without him, because it just hurts too much.  At the same time, his passing provides a crystal clear example of why I need to do this.  I need to be healthy, as healthy as I can possibly be.  I don't have children, but I want to, and for them, I need to make this change, if for nobody else.  One, I may not even be able to have kids if I don't lose weight, due to the PCOS.  Two, if and when I do have those children, I want to be an active participant in everything they do, not watching from the sidelines in fear of losing my breath.  And finally, perhaps the most important, is I do not want my children to bury me prematurely, like my experience with my Dad has been.  Both he and I deserved many, many more years together, but his life was cut short because of health reasons.  Some of his problems were out of his control, so I cant hold them against him, and never would.  But my weight, is totally in my hands.  I control every morsel of food entering my body, so any health issues that are a result of my obesity, is by my fault alone.  I don't want to die young, and have my children resent me forever, because all I had to do was put down the f**king pizza.

It isn't an option anymore.  Healthful living is my number one goal, for myself, for my future children, for my family, and for my friends.  If I take a moment to stop thinking about the daily struggle of sticking to my diet and how truly painful it is not to indulge on occasion, and really see it as a whole movie, rather than a single frame, it's clear as day.  No, eating one little meal may not affect me, or my weight loss, but it isn't about one single meal.  I have to see how each of my "little meals" impacts my life in its entirety, and whether a slice of pizza is worth it.  When I picture the future little Courtneys running around, I find a hidden strength and will power, that my conscious mind is not always aware of.

It doesn't mean I don't cheat, or as the group leader puts it, make poor choices.  I have, and I don't mind admitting that.  I even went full on Pasta Dinner with bread last week.  I'm sure the people running my program would be aghast, but I'm doing the best I can in the situation I'm in.  Not only am I losing weight, I'm grieving, I work 40+ per week, I go to a grief counselor weekly, and a gynecologist all the time to get my nether regions back in working order.  It's quite the life, let me tell you.  It's hard not to feel a little alone, because I do have quite the full plate (figuratively, though what a good pun, no?), and everything on it is completely unique to me.  My counselor suggested I try to focus in on the little things in life that do make me happy.  So here's a list of what made me smile today:

1.  Wind.  It's windy as f**k where I live, which is a drastic change from two days ago when it was a scorching 101 degrees.


2.  I'm not busy at work.  Hence this new blog post.  Score!


3.  I've lost almost 20 pounds in 28 days.  Phase one of molting complete!!!  80 more pounds to go :D


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