Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Falling In Love with Myself

Well people, I've hit a milestone.  9 weeks have come and passed, and I've learned so much about myself throughout.  I suppose I'll start with the best news ever.  I've lost a grand total of 34.4 pounds!  Here are some before weight loss and after.  Sorry they are only head shots, but I really did try to avoid using my "angle", so it isn't false advertisement.  I'll work on some body shots later.  Click on the picture for a larger version.

 So yeah, it's working?  It's funny when you look at yourself, you can't really see the changes on a day to day basis.  It takes looking at before and after pictures for you to finally admit to yourself that there is a change, no matter how small.  I will come to the defense of myself on the far left picture, it was a seriously horrible day that day.  And the two right pictures, it was a decent day, so chalk some of the difference up to that.  Then again, maybe it was a decent day because of the weight loss, who really knows.

Since I don't have the body shots now, I can describe what I'm seeing as far as change goes.  My stomach, which was my most loathed nemesis, has definitely decreased in size.  My legs seem stronger than ever, to the point where they pretty much only feel like muscle.  I never really had a huge problem with my legs, though.  My elbows seem a little more pointy, and my ankles look a little slimmer, but most of the change that needs to happen is with my stomach, and there is definite improvement in that area.  I can see my collar bones poking through, which is a HUGE victory to me.  Who woulda thought, collar bones?

The biggest thing I can see with myself is my face.  Overall, I look less swollen.  Looking back on pictures and videos, I look like I was about to burst at the seams.  It's strange to think that about yourself, because while I knew I was overweight, I really didn't think I looked too heinous, nor did I think I looked "puffy".  But now, it's almost painful to see myself that heavy.  Don't even get me into the self loathing that intrudes in my mind.  I really hate that I let myself get heavy, so heavy even I don't like looking at pictures of me.  While I am such a beautiful person on the inside, my outside really didn't reflect it, because not only was it hard to look at myself physically, it's easy to see that I wasn't taking care of myself, and that is as ugly as it gets.

I'm the last person to say that just because you are carrying some extra padding, it equates ugliness, that's just how I see myself as an individual.  I know that some people could have found me physically attractive, but I didn't see myself like that.  It's sad to reflect on.  Now that I've lost almost 35 pounds, I am falling in love with myself, but not in a weird, arrogant sort of way.  It's hard to dislike yourself when you put so much effort into something that is extraordinarily difficult.  I'm proud I have taken the steps to better my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am learning to be happy with who I see in the mirror, because while she is not physically perfect, she's on her way to being "perfect".

I grow each day while fighting the urges to "relapse".  Some people may not get that food addiction is just that, an addiction.  No, I'm not stealing money from anyone to get my McDonald's fix, but I'm stealing years of life away from myself with each Double Cheeseburger and McFlurry I ingest, which isn't so different from any other addiction.  The problem with being addicted to food is that you need food to survive; it isn't something you can quit cold turkey.  Food is a constant in everyone's life, while heroine, is not.  With help, drug addicts can quit their habit, and refrain from relapsing for the entirety of their lives.  It's not so simple with food.  As a food addict, you have to make a life long commitment to eat healthy, and exercise your body, but your Achilles Heel will always be present.  Opting for grilled chicken over fried chicken, even though you like fried better; yogurt over ice cream; wheat bread over sour dough; and fruit/veggies over french fries.  As an addict to all of the unhealthy things, this is where the relapsing can be so easy.  It's one choice at a time, and you have to will yourself to be strong enough to make the right one.  It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's for you.  Each time you make the right choice, you will fall a little more in love with yourself.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Courtney, this is Elise from Lose It :)

    Congrats on losing 35! That's awesome, and I can definitely see a difference in your face in the photos you have here.

    It's funny that this type of journey is really all about taking it one day at a time, but you can't see much difference day to day, and the scale often fluctuates all over the place! (At least for me it does) But taking pictures and measurements with measuring tape every few weeks or so will certainly show the results that maybe aren't so obvious right away.

    And it's great that you're really feeling the positive effects mentally from taking care of yourself physically too :) I love that about good nutrition and fitness. It's totally worth it just for the good feelings you get from it :)

    Keep up the great work Courtney! You are doing so well!