Someone Break the Camera---Seriously

I think one of the hardest parts about being heavy is that I cant enjoy the simple things, even if I'm with people I love.  I find that when I sit down even BY MYSELF at home, I have to hold a pillow in front of me.  I have always told myself it's a comfort thing, but in reality, I think it's a conspicuous way to shield myself or my body.  Case in point: Christmas 2013

Beyond that, I am still furious at whoever decided to snap that shot of me.  But, why am I living like that?  I don't want to see myself in pictures, like, ever.  Of course, I have mastered "my angle", but if someone else is behind the lens, it's like someone sprang a spontaneous hide and seek game, and I'm determined to find the best hiding place.  So, I'm sure there are plenty of memories that have gone undocumented, simply because of my refusal to be photographed.

After losing my Dad, I realize how special pictures are, so it seems so ridiculous to me that I am intentionally preventing mine from being taken.  I decided to put some pictures in my blog of what I look like through the eyes of others, not my misleading angled selfies.  I don't think I look pretty in any of these (seriously I am FORCING myself not to remove those), and it's depressing to put them out for all the world to see.  BUT, that is me.  Underneath the extra layers, is a beautiful, confident girl, who is just waiting to molt the old body.