I Swear--I'm Not Dying

That about sums it up.  Even though the ecard above rings true, I've totally neglected my wino side lately.  I guess the empty calories that come with drinking aren't quite worth the 3 hours of exercise it would take to burn them off.  I had an awesome weekend when it comes to exercise!  My boyfriend and I went out on a six mile walk, with a little bit of hiking mixed in.  I had never been on this trail before, so I'm sure all my fellow fat peeps can relate to being a little nervous for the unknown terrain.  My boyfriend, who is thin, told me it wasn't hard at all, and for the most part, it really wasn't.  He told me there would be a steep hill we would climb, but it wasn't that bad, and I believed him.

We came upon a hill, probably 50-60 yards long with a 50 degree incline that hurt a bit, but I got to the top.  I was winded, but it wasn't back breaking.  And so we walked on, I felt amazing that I had managed to move my body from one elevation to another relatively quickly.  Go me, that is what he warned me about?!  I am superwoman.  But my jubilation was crushed when I looked ahead, and that's when I saw it.  It loomed in the distance.  It wasn't a "little hill", like my boyfriend so graciously named it.  It was a serious hill, and it meant business.  It made the one I was so thrilled to have scaled moments ago look like an ant hill.  I may as well have brought my mountain climbing gear.  Feast your eyes on this monster, the yellow line shows the trail you follow:

Tons of people were going up and down it, on bikes, running, walking, and I thought maybe I was underestimating my stamina.  You have to realize that at this point, we had already walked about 3 miles, and I was truly worried that I wouldn't make it up the hill, and I would be that girl.  The fat one, that all the amazing athletes had to maneuver around.  But, that's when I decided they can kiss my ass.  I'd come this far, there was no way I would wither away and not even attempt it.  At least I'm trying, they cant knock me for that.

And so we began the trek to the top.  The incline wasn't as steep as the first baby hill, but the distance was much, much longer, probably 250 yards, at a 35 degree incline.  I began strong, taking each step and trying not to notice the burning sensation developing in each leg.  And then my breath got shorter, and shorter, it was so short I finally decided to stop and take a break.  People whizzed around me, but at first it didn't bother me.  I was only 1/3 of the way up at my first break.

I trekked on.  My boyfriend was almost done climbing the thing when I reached the 2/3 point.  But, my body was shouting for oxygen, so I took another rest.  More people were passing me, and I began to get self conscious of my inability to keep a constant pace.  Before I caught my breath completely, I pushed myself, step by step, to the top.  I MADE IT!

                   

The only problem with not listening to your body, is that bad things can happen.  I was so out of breath, I felt like I didn't have enough oxygen sustain myself.  I felt the world getting dimmer, and everything was getting fuzzy.  I sat down on the only rock I could find, and tried to focus on breathing.  Nothing I did seemed to help, and the longer it went that I couldn't catch my breath, the more panicked I was getting.  The only thing worse about being so exhausted you are at the point of fainting, is having a panic attack simultaneously.  It was really horrendous.

I sat, with my mind focused on moving oxygen in and out of my lungs.  I finally felt less faint, and caught my breath, but the realization that we still had to walk back another 3 miles was a little overwhelming.  I guess what I took away was to not feel self conscious if I'm tired going up a hill.  Maybe I cant do it all in one go right now, but one day I'll be able to.  Just because people pass me, isn't worth nearly fainting and cracking my head open.  The other thing I took away from it is that when you are tenacious and have a goal, you can achieve it.  I never would have thought I could accomplish that, but I did, and I'm a better person for it.

The only thing left to do is weigh in tomorrow, and hope that all the hard work shows up on my scale.  Oh and also, do the damn thing again!

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Well, my first month on the diet is complete.  It was a success in every sense of the word.  I lost a total of 19.2 pounds in 28 days, which is awesome, but the competitive/OCD side of me was hoping for an even 20.   Let's chalk it up to water weight ;)  All in all, I know my first month there is really little to be negative about, in regards to the weight loss, but it seems like everything else was a huge nightmare.  Then again, the whole last year was a huge nightmare.

I'm really missing my Dad.  Each time I succeed, or have troubles, or need advice, my very first thought is to call him.  He was a pillar of support in all aspects of my life, and sadly, I didn't know how truly important he was to each nook and cranny of all that is Courtney, until he was gone.  It makes each accomplishment a little less sweet.  Everybody always tells me the generic, "Well you know he's looking down on you, and can see your every success."  I know they mean well, but to be honest with you, it's all a load of bullshit.  It may be true, he could be sitting right next to me as I type my less than inspiring blog post now.  And it's really easy to give that advice, because it acknowledges my wishes of him seeing me thrive, while respecting his passing and my feelings surrounding it by not delving too deep into spiritual and religious banter.  But, I just want to scream at people and say, "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"  It just isn't the same.  There was something about his voice and physical presence, that cant be replicated or soothed by an out of body presence.

Sometimes I feel all alone, even with the huge support system that surrounds me.  Because while everyone is grieving who knew my Dad, nobody had the relationship that was unique to US.  Of course they were all close to him in their own way, but at least I acknowledge that I will never know what losing him means to them.  I'd appreciate if the reverse was reciprocated.

Anyways, you may or may not understand how this impacts my dieting, and mission in losing weight, so let me clarify.  My Dad's passing was truly the greatest tragedy I have experienced in life thus far.  I probably put on 30-40 pounds in a year, and am more depressed than I have ever been in my life.  I still cant come to terms with the thought of spending the rest of my natural life without him, because it just hurts too much.  At the same time, his passing provides a crystal clear example of why I need to do this.  I need to be healthy, as healthy as I can possibly be.  I don't have children, but I want to, and for them, I need to make this change, if for nobody else.  One, I may not even be able to have kids if I don't lose weight, due to the PCOS.  Two, if and when I do have those children, I want to be an active participant in everything they do, not watching from the sidelines in fear of losing my breath.  And finally, perhaps the most important, is I do not want my children to bury me prematurely, like my experience with my Dad has been.  Both he and I deserved many, many more years together, but his life was cut short because of health reasons.  Some of his problems were out of his control, so I cant hold them against him, and never would.  But my weight, is totally in my hands.  I control every morsel of food entering my body, so any health issues that are a result of my obesity, is by my fault alone.  I don't want to die young, and have my children resent me forever, because all I had to do was put down the f**king pizza.

It isn't an option anymore.  Healthful living is my number one goal, for myself, for my future children, for my family, and for my friends.  If I take a moment to stop thinking about the daily struggle of sticking to my diet and how truly painful it is not to indulge on occasion, and really see it as a whole movie, rather than a single frame, it's clear as day.  No, eating one little meal may not affect me, or my weight loss, but it isn't about one single meal.  I have to see how each of my "little meals" impacts my life in its entirety, and whether a slice of pizza is worth it.  When I picture the future little Courtneys running around, I find a hidden strength and will power, that my conscious mind is not always aware of.

It doesn't mean I don't cheat, or as the group leader puts it, make poor choices.  I have, and I don't mind admitting that.  I even went full on Pasta Dinner with bread last week.  I'm sure the people running my program would be aghast, but I'm doing the best I can in the situation I'm in.  Not only am I losing weight, I'm grieving, I work 40+ per week, I go to a grief counselor weekly, and a gynecologist all the time to get my nether regions back in working order.  It's quite the life, let me tell you.  It's hard not to feel a little alone, because I do have quite the full plate (figuratively, though what a good pun, no?), and everything on it is completely unique to me.  My counselor suggested I try to focus in on the little things in life that do make me happy.  So here's a list of what made me smile today:

1.  Wind.  It's windy as f**k where I live, which is a drastic change from two days ago when it was a scorching 101 degrees.


               

2.  I'm not busy at work.  Hence this new blog post.  Score!


               

3.  I've lost almost 20 pounds in 28 days.  Phase one of molting complete!!!  80 more pounds to go :D



               

Three Week Verdict

Ohmygosh.  This week has been INSANE.  I really don't want to get into it, because I feel like that will open up a can of worms with a long rambling post that makes no sense to anyone other than me.  To put it simply, my brain felt like it was short-circuiting, or about to explode, one of the two.  So, I sincerely apologize for plunging off the face of the Earth.

WORK = STRESSFUL/BUSY/FRUSTRATING/LONG/NIGHTMARISH

                     

Other than work being nearly impossible to manage, I had quite an interesting experience the past few weeks.  I discovered a lot of things about myself, which wasn't really expected when I started this journey.  I thought it would be cut and dry, diet and lose weight, work out and lose weight.  In reality, I am really internalizing why I craved food, and more specifically the kinds of food I am craving.  What caused me to want that pizza?  Or that burger?  The whole work shenanigans really helped shine a light on the fact that I'm an emotional/stress eater.  But really though, I just love food, because it makes me feel better.  I hate that the food that is comfort to me, happens to be a heart attack on a plate.  Ugh.  The way the world works really sucks sometimes.

Anyways, to the best news ever.........................I've lost 16.2 lbs since my first weigh-in----three weeks ago!  That, my friends, is absolutely awesome.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, who am I kidding, OF COURSE I'm tooting my own horn.  How do you lose that much weight in 3 weeks: hard work and dedication.  There is no other way to explain it.  And you know what's more?  I totally cheated.  It wasn't like a small little cheat, it was a full blown, terribly unhealthy meal, that still makes me feel guilty.

               

I went all out, and I couldn't resist.  Like at all.  Barbecued chicken drumsticks, two ears of corn, some chicken sausages, a giant, and I mean, GIANT piece of garlic bread, pancakes.  I'm telling you...it was bad.  And I also had a panini the next day, and a burrito a few days before.  So how the hell did I still manage to lose 5.4 pounds this week (see http://moltingmybody.blogspot.com/p/weight-loss-chart.html)??  I'll give you one word:  EXERCISE!


                 

It was tough, but I didn't miss one day---and I haven't in the last three weeks.  I know I cant cheat like that often, and shouldn't ever, but I couldn't stop myself.  One day I may have the will power, but last Saturday was not that day.  As long as the number on the scale decreased, and I work out consistently, and for the most part eat healthy, I'm happy.  It was a great success!!!!!!!!  And so the struggle continues....

Anxiety is a Real Bitch

You are being forewarned.  If the thought of blood grosses you out, the thought of a menstrual cycle grosses you out, or you are too immature to understand/respect feminine issues, this post is not for you.  Yesterday I got put through the wringer.  In retrospect, it's easy to see that I maybe did overreact a little bit.  But hindsight is always 20/20, and you know what, all my worry is totally justified, but the overwhelming thoughts of impending doom are where things get a little foggy.  As I have told you before, this whole weight loss kick got started because I had been on my period for a staggering THREE MONTHS straight.  Yes, you read that right.  The moodiness I experienced was in constant transformation.  Moody about pain, moody about how f**king tedious it is to make sure you have tampons at all times, moody about how icky I felt, and most importantly, moody about, ahem, my sexual activity (or lack there of).  I know, I know, too much information, but you know what, you try bleeding for 3 months straight and see where your social filters end up.

Anyways, I finally decided to go to the doctor because obviously losing that much blood isn't healthy, and after what seemed like an insane amount of testing, doctor's appointments, and referrals, they were all finally reaching the conclusion that I just needed to lose weight.  Well, shit!  That was far better than what I expected, and totally achievable.  All that worry for nothing.  So one thing led to another and here I am!  6.2 pounds down in 7 days, not too shabby if I do say so myself.

My OB/GYN and I decided to put Mirena in, which is an IUD, or for you men out there who have no idea what either of those things are, birth control, so it would help to control the abnormal bleeding.  It would remain in place for 5 years, which pretty much coincides with my life plan for having children (lofty goals, I'm aware).  The appointment was scheduled for Monday, as was briefly touched on in a previous post where I "cheated" and saw my weight loss.  The issue arose when the doctor decided not to put Mirena in, but rather, do an Endometrial Biopsy, which checks for Uterine Cancer.  Umm, okay?  It wasn't that she had decided to do the biopsy, I'm all for ruling everything out, but why the HELL would she wait until 2 months after my first visit?  At this point I've been bleeding pretty consistently for 5 months, ALL of 2014.  I was infuriated, to say the very least.  She pointed to the risk factor (being heavy) with which she was making that choice, but it didn't make sense to me.  It's not like I ballooned up suddenly.  My weight was present two months ago, so why now, why all of a sudden is she worried?  I had to bleed for two more entire months, while she fiddled her thumbs.  Awesome.  Truly.

She had informed me that the results would typically take about two weeks to receive, and based on what they saw, we could either go forward with Mirena, or not.  Easy enough?  Wrong.  Here is where my Worry filled Wednesday begins.  Two days after I do the biopsy (yesterday), the doctor's receptionist calls, and in the most dismally worried tone I have ever heard, requests for an immediate follow up.  Well that got my heart pumping a little bit.  So I in turn asked her if the biopsy results were already back, which she confirmed in another, utterly pained voice.  Her tone of voice sent me right over the deep end.  I asked if the results were bad, but she refused/declined to provide me any information, or clue.


                


That was me.  Out in the parking lot at my job.  So I panic, called my Mom, called my sister, called my boyfriend, nobody answered.  Of course.  So my anxiety and stress filled mind went to work.  Let me just give you a play by play of my thought process, so you can see why sometimes I even question my own sanity.

"I have cancer.  Does that mean I have to do chemo?  What if they have to remove my uterus?  Can you have a baby with out a uterus?  That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever thought.  I'd better research this.  Hysterectomy?  No chance of having kids.  Should I get my eggs cryo-freezed?  What if it's too far along to help?  This is bullshit!  My Dad passed away a year ago, I shouldn't have to deal with this right now!!  If I cant have my own child, I totally support surrogacy.  But what if the surrogate Mom of my child falls in love with it and kidnaps it like one of those Lifetime movies?  What about adoption?  I support it, but I've always wanted to see what MY genes can create.  A little ball of awesome, that's what.  SHIT!  Seriously, what if I cant have kids now?  What if I die?  I want to know what it's like to be pregnant!!!  My sister is going to have to have my children.  This is NOT fair."

Put that on repeat, and that was my afternoon yesterday.  It was scary, and angering, that this test was postponed for so long.  The follow up appointment was scheduled for this morning.  So I sat and stewed about it for the rest of day, and had pretty much written myself, and my future off.  After all this work to get myself headed in a healthy direction, something like this happens.  Everyone I had told was telling me not to borrow trouble, to think positive, but to me it was insensitive to say all that generic stuff.  Just be worried with me!  How can you not be?!

I left work, and had a voicemail from the doctor's office.  It was a medical assistant informing me that they would be putting Mirena in after the follow up to the results.  Relief.

                 


The results?  Well, they are bad and good.  It isn't cancer (phew), but they did find some abnormal gland formations and evidence of endometrial polyps.  I'm going to try to treat it with medicine, aka birth control, and then if that doesn't work, off to surgery I go.  Nothing too serious, just Dilation and Curettage.

The final verdict eased my mind, but it really highlights how fragile life is.  This is why I want to get healthy, so when things like this come up, I know it isn't something that I have done to myself.  All the hard work is paying off too, because when I went to the appointment today, they weighed me, and I've lost ANOTHER pound!!!!  The total is 7.2 lbs now, and counting.  Sorry to derail you all from my weight loss, but as with most people, that is just one small aspect of my life.  All this other stuff doesn't go away, just because I've chosen to lose weight.  I just have to take it one day at a time and try to keep a smile on my face.  So far, so good.

It's the Little Victories

So, I was sneaky yesterday.  One of the rules of the weight loss program, forbids us from weighing ourselves through out the week between the Tuesday evening meetings.  Today is only going to be my second meeting, so I have been terrified all week long that I haven't been losing anything, and how mortified I would be.  Fortunately for me, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and well of course, they weigh you in each visit.  When I stepped on the scale, I knew I would either be thrilled at a smaller number, or frantic to do exercise all evening to lower the number by one digit.  Drum roll please.....

              

I LOST FIVE POUNDS!!!!  

Let me say that again:

I LOST FIVE  pounds!

(Everybody happy dance now)

All the "suffering" I went through without food for the past 6 days ended up meaning that I would no longer be in the 290's, I'm in the 280's club.  I put bunny ears on suffering, because in reality, it wasn't difficult at all.  I really, really like the chocolate shakes, they taste like unbaked brownie mix (and who doesn't love licking the brownie mix bowl).  I think the hardest part is losing the crunch/chewing aspect of eating.  I've found a new love of exercise too!  Even if it's only 30 minutes of brisk walking, plus sit ups (I don't want to kill myself by attempting anything more strenuous just yet), it obviously helps!  Plus, IT'S FUN!  It's fun in that I know I am burning calories with every step, that each drop of sweat is proof that the five pounds lost were earned.

                   

I read a quote once that said, "Sweat is only your fat crying."  It resonated with me.  I have found it to be an excellent motivator when I am wishing I could quit exercising.  When you think of exercise as a battle against your fat, it makes you think less about the work, and more about the victory.  I have found that as long as I keep that thought in my mind when I'm working out, as tough as it is, I push through it, and it becomes a game.  Whatever I accomplished yesterday, I want to accomplish 2 more today.

It's the ever growing accomplishments that will help continue my weight loss, but for now, let me hear the hallelujah chorus sing one more time.  FIVE POUNDS GONE.  My first goal is 5% complete.  It sounds small, but twenty more 5%'s and I'll be at 100%, and THAT sounds easy.  See you later 5 pounds, I kicked your butt!