Some Introspection

There are so many things I miss about being smaller.  I kind of touched on a few of these points on my earlier posts "As a Fat Girl" and "How It All Began", but like I said in that post, the limitations I have faced because I am overweight/obese, could write an endless list.  I'm not sure if anyone can really relate to each and every single one, but if any of these problems are something you have thought of, just know you aren't alone.  While vanity plays a small role in my road to being thin again, the two biggest reasons for me losing weight right now is my health, and gaining the ability to do/enjoy the simplest things in life.  So, without further ado, my daily trials and tribulations caused directly by my spare tire (and extra padding everywhere else), enjoy.

1. Crossing My Legs:  Most people take this for granted, even I did when I was smaller.  Right now, in my attempts to be classy,  my only option, physically, is to sit with my legs pressed together, while the forces of the universe do everything in their power to pull them apart.  Sometimes just sitting like that for a decent chunk of time will have my hips and outer thighs burning.  I suppose I could let my knees fall out to the side, but then I risk looking like a man-woman in a gyno office.  I'll pass.  Soon enough, I'll be able to cross my legs again, soon enough.  After all, I miss those red spots on the back of my calf after sitting like that for a period of time.  I MISS THEM!  How crazy is that? 


2. Shaving My Legs:  Accurately, that is.  I can still shave right now, and could at my heaviest, but I couldn't guarantee a thorough job.  I feel like a contortionist when I shave right now.  I cant just sit and shave without moving much because I cant reach the back of my leg without moving.  It's pretty pathetic, and may be the reason why if you looked under my pants right now, you would think I'm french, or a hippi; a la Bigfoot if you catch my drift.


3. Shopping for Clothes:  Need I say more?  This is probably the most painfully difficult thing about being heavier.  I try to look nice and buy nice clothes, but even shopping at plus size stores, I never really feel 100% awesome, in anything I wear.  If you get one size, the thighs are too big, so if you go smaller, the waist is too small.  The trade-offs make shopping a totally miserable experience.  You don't want to look like you are imitating MC Hammer, but you also don't want a muffin top, so what do you do?!  And don't even get me started on bathing suit shopping.  I'm sure there are those of you out there than can appreciate a good "dressing room cry".  Suddenly you realize that there is no magic bathing suit that will shoo all your worries away.  You just have to accept the fact that you wont look sexy in a bathing suit, and find the best of the worst.  
   
   Plus, I couldn't even tell you what my "style" is, because it was chosen for me.  I love Torrid, but do I really?  I mean, if I was never plus sized, would my style be Torrid-esque anyways?  I'm not sure, because I've been shopping there for a while now, and of the extremely limited plus-size options, they are the cutest, and most stylish in my opinion. 


4. Insecurity:  While I realize people of all shapes and sizes have insecurities, and I will too even once I've lost all the weight, but being physically large makes you so much more obvious to others.  And because of that, I feel like people stare more, and judge silently.  I wish I could go around with a sign that said, "I know some of this is my fault, but do you know what I've been through?  No, you don't, so quit judging me".  Because of this I'm ultra sensitive and actively try not to judge others, because you just don't know why they are the way they are.  I'm even insecure with my boyfriend----of three years.  It may be a reaction that has developed over time, but if he even tries to touch my stomach, I flinch in terror.  I even dove into a pile of clothes to avoid it once.  It's pretty ridiculous, because he's surely seen every inch of me, but I cant get over feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and that makes me sad.


5. Physical Capabilities (or lack there of):  I truly miss being an athlete.  I was agile, quick, and never shy to try something new that would test my endurance or strength.  I could count on my body to do certain things, and I never felt embarrassed to do them.  But then blubber happened.  I know that I cant do certain things now, and it's actually kind of terrifying.  What if I needed to run from something or someone?  I could surely move myself along for a while, fueled by adrenaline, but it wouldn't be quickly, and would definitely not be sustainable.  That's scary!  I've had dreams of myself running from a tidal wave with my boyfriend, and forcing him to abandon me knowing I would never be able to make it.  I really want to do walks for charity, or color runs, or obstacle courses, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last.  I know I should be my own cheer leader and at least try, but the humiliation factor is really what is stopping me.  There we go again with the insecurities.

So that is my very quick list.  Other than for the sake of health, these are the reasons I want to lose weight.  I know some of them will be life-long challenges, but I know that I am growing as a person with each pound that is lost.  I will look back on these moments and truly appreciate how hard I fought against reverting to my old habits, to prevent these five issues from ever reoccurring.

BY THE WAY!  I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, life has been extraordinarily hectic.  I've lost an even 27 pounds in 6 weeks, and loving every second of it.  Until next time :)

I Swear--I'm Not Dying

That about sums it up.  Even though the ecard above rings true, I've totally neglected my wino side lately.  I guess the empty calories that come with drinking aren't quite worth the 3 hours of exercise it would take to burn them off.  I had an awesome weekend when it comes to exercise!  My boyfriend and I went out on a six mile walk, with a little bit of hiking mixed in.  I had never been on this trail before, so I'm sure all my fellow fat peeps can relate to being a little nervous for the unknown terrain.  My boyfriend, who is thin, told me it wasn't hard at all, and for the most part, it really wasn't.  He told me there would be a steep hill we would climb, but it wasn't that bad, and I believed him.

We came upon a hill, probably 50-60 yards long with a 50 degree incline that hurt a bit, but I got to the top.  I was winded, but it wasn't back breaking.  And so we walked on, I felt amazing that I had managed to move my body from one elevation to another relatively quickly.  Go me, that is what he warned me about?!  I am superwoman.  But my jubilation was crushed when I looked ahead, and that's when I saw it.  It loomed in the distance.  It wasn't a "little hill", like my boyfriend so graciously named it.  It was a serious hill, and it meant business.  It made the one I was so thrilled to have scaled moments ago look like an ant hill.  I may as well have brought my mountain climbing gear.  Feast your eyes on this monster, the yellow line shows the trail you follow:

Tons of people were going up and down it, on bikes, running, walking, and I thought maybe I was underestimating my stamina.  You have to realize that at this point, we had already walked about 3 miles, and I was truly worried that I wouldn't make it up the hill, and I would be that girl.  The fat one, that all the amazing athletes had to maneuver around.  But, that's when I decided they can kiss my ass.  I'd come this far, there was no way I would wither away and not even attempt it.  At least I'm trying, they cant knock me for that.

And so we began the trek to the top.  The incline wasn't as steep as the first baby hill, but the distance was much, much longer, probably 250 yards, at a 35 degree incline.  I began strong, taking each step and trying not to notice the burning sensation developing in each leg.  And then my breath got shorter, and shorter, it was so short I finally decided to stop and take a break.  People whizzed around me, but at first it didn't bother me.  I was only 1/3 of the way up at my first break.

I trekked on.  My boyfriend was almost done climbing the thing when I reached the 2/3 point.  But, my body was shouting for oxygen, so I took another rest.  More people were passing me, and I began to get self conscious of my inability to keep a constant pace.  Before I caught my breath completely, I pushed myself, step by step, to the top.  I MADE IT!

                   

The only problem with not listening to your body, is that bad things can happen.  I was so out of breath, I felt like I didn't have enough oxygen sustain myself.  I felt the world getting dimmer, and everything was getting fuzzy.  I sat down on the only rock I could find, and tried to focus on breathing.  Nothing I did seemed to help, and the longer it went that I couldn't catch my breath, the more panicked I was getting.  The only thing worse about being so exhausted you are at the point of fainting, is having a panic attack simultaneously.  It was really horrendous.

I sat, with my mind focused on moving oxygen in and out of my lungs.  I finally felt less faint, and caught my breath, but the realization that we still had to walk back another 3 miles was a little overwhelming.  I guess what I took away was to not feel self conscious if I'm tired going up a hill.  Maybe I cant do it all in one go right now, but one day I'll be able to.  Just because people pass me, isn't worth nearly fainting and cracking my head open.  The other thing I took away from it is that when you are tenacious and have a goal, you can achieve it.  I never would have thought I could accomplish that, but I did, and I'm a better person for it.

The only thing left to do is weigh in tomorrow, and hope that all the hard work shows up on my scale.  Oh and also, do the damn thing again!

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Well, my first month on the diet is complete.  It was a success in every sense of the word.  I lost a total of 19.2 pounds in 28 days, which is awesome, but the competitive/OCD side of me was hoping for an even 20.   Let's chalk it up to water weight ;)  All in all, I know my first month there is really little to be negative about, in regards to the weight loss, but it seems like everything else was a huge nightmare.  Then again, the whole last year was a huge nightmare.

I'm really missing my Dad.  Each time I succeed, or have troubles, or need advice, my very first thought is to call him.  He was a pillar of support in all aspects of my life, and sadly, I didn't know how truly important he was to each nook and cranny of all that is Courtney, until he was gone.  It makes each accomplishment a little less sweet.  Everybody always tells me the generic, "Well you know he's looking down on you, and can see your every success."  I know they mean well, but to be honest with you, it's all a load of bullshit.  It may be true, he could be sitting right next to me as I type my less than inspiring blog post now.  And it's really easy to give that advice, because it acknowledges my wishes of him seeing me thrive, while respecting his passing and my feelings surrounding it by not delving too deep into spiritual and religious banter.  But, I just want to scream at people and say, "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"  It just isn't the same.  There was something about his voice and physical presence, that cant be replicated or soothed by an out of body presence.

Sometimes I feel all alone, even with the huge support system that surrounds me.  Because while everyone is grieving who knew my Dad, nobody had the relationship that was unique to US.  Of course they were all close to him in their own way, but at least I acknowledge that I will never know what losing him means to them.  I'd appreciate if the reverse was reciprocated.

Anyways, you may or may not understand how this impacts my dieting, and mission in losing weight, so let me clarify.  My Dad's passing was truly the greatest tragedy I have experienced in life thus far.  I probably put on 30-40 pounds in a year, and am more depressed than I have ever been in my life.  I still cant come to terms with the thought of spending the rest of my natural life without him, because it just hurts too much.  At the same time, his passing provides a crystal clear example of why I need to do this.  I need to be healthy, as healthy as I can possibly be.  I don't have children, but I want to, and for them, I need to make this change, if for nobody else.  One, I may not even be able to have kids if I don't lose weight, due to the PCOS.  Two, if and when I do have those children, I want to be an active participant in everything they do, not watching from the sidelines in fear of losing my breath.  And finally, perhaps the most important, is I do not want my children to bury me prematurely, like my experience with my Dad has been.  Both he and I deserved many, many more years together, but his life was cut short because of health reasons.  Some of his problems were out of his control, so I cant hold them against him, and never would.  But my weight, is totally in my hands.  I control every morsel of food entering my body, so any health issues that are a result of my obesity, is by my fault alone.  I don't want to die young, and have my children resent me forever, because all I had to do was put down the f**king pizza.

It isn't an option anymore.  Healthful living is my number one goal, for myself, for my future children, for my family, and for my friends.  If I take a moment to stop thinking about the daily struggle of sticking to my diet and how truly painful it is not to indulge on occasion, and really see it as a whole movie, rather than a single frame, it's clear as day.  No, eating one little meal may not affect me, or my weight loss, but it isn't about one single meal.  I have to see how each of my "little meals" impacts my life in its entirety, and whether a slice of pizza is worth it.  When I picture the future little Courtneys running around, I find a hidden strength and will power, that my conscious mind is not always aware of.

It doesn't mean I don't cheat, or as the group leader puts it, make poor choices.  I have, and I don't mind admitting that.  I even went full on Pasta Dinner with bread last week.  I'm sure the people running my program would be aghast, but I'm doing the best I can in the situation I'm in.  Not only am I losing weight, I'm grieving, I work 40+ per week, I go to a grief counselor weekly, and a gynecologist all the time to get my nether regions back in working order.  It's quite the life, let me tell you.  It's hard not to feel a little alone, because I do have quite the full plate (figuratively, though what a good pun, no?), and everything on it is completely unique to me.  My counselor suggested I try to focus in on the little things in life that do make me happy.  So here's a list of what made me smile today:

1.  Wind.  It's windy as f**k where I live, which is a drastic change from two days ago when it was a scorching 101 degrees.


               

2.  I'm not busy at work.  Hence this new blog post.  Score!


               

3.  I've lost almost 20 pounds in 28 days.  Phase one of molting complete!!!  80 more pounds to go :D



               

Three Week Verdict

Ohmygosh.  This week has been INSANE.  I really don't want to get into it, because I feel like that will open up a can of worms with a long rambling post that makes no sense to anyone other than me.  To put it simply, my brain felt like it was short-circuiting, or about to explode, one of the two.  So, I sincerely apologize for plunging off the face of the Earth.

WORK = STRESSFUL/BUSY/FRUSTRATING/LONG/NIGHTMARISH

                     

Other than work being nearly impossible to manage, I had quite an interesting experience the past few weeks.  I discovered a lot of things about myself, which wasn't really expected when I started this journey.  I thought it would be cut and dry, diet and lose weight, work out and lose weight.  In reality, I am really internalizing why I craved food, and more specifically the kinds of food I am craving.  What caused me to want that pizza?  Or that burger?  The whole work shenanigans really helped shine a light on the fact that I'm an emotional/stress eater.  But really though, I just love food, because it makes me feel better.  I hate that the food that is comfort to me, happens to be a heart attack on a plate.  Ugh.  The way the world works really sucks sometimes.

Anyways, to the best news ever.........................I've lost 16.2 lbs since my first weigh-in----three weeks ago!  That, my friends, is absolutely awesome.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, who am I kidding, OF COURSE I'm tooting my own horn.  How do you lose that much weight in 3 weeks: hard work and dedication.  There is no other way to explain it.  And you know what's more?  I totally cheated.  It wasn't like a small little cheat, it was a full blown, terribly unhealthy meal, that still makes me feel guilty.

               

I went all out, and I couldn't resist.  Like at all.  Barbecued chicken drumsticks, two ears of corn, some chicken sausages, a giant, and I mean, GIANT piece of garlic bread, pancakes.  I'm telling you...it was bad.  And I also had a panini the next day, and a burrito a few days before.  So how the hell did I still manage to lose 5.4 pounds this week (see http://moltingmybody.blogspot.com/p/weight-loss-chart.html)??  I'll give you one word:  EXERCISE!


                 

It was tough, but I didn't miss one day---and I haven't in the last three weeks.  I know I cant cheat like that often, and shouldn't ever, but I couldn't stop myself.  One day I may have the will power, but last Saturday was not that day.  As long as the number on the scale decreased, and I work out consistently, and for the most part eat healthy, I'm happy.  It was a great success!!!!!!!!  And so the struggle continues....